So, I realize that no one reads my blog...and that's ok. It's pretty much just here for me to let out my thoughts. And right now, I have a lot of those. But I think I'll start out with a scripture that I'm falling in love with.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
The last part of that verse was something I had to memorize for church camp one summer and it has stuck with me ever since. It's so humbling, and it always reminds me that no matter what is happening here, it doesn't really matter...all that matters is what we can't see. All that matters is God. I wish that was as easy to live out as it is to say. I broke up with my boyfriend last Friday and boy has it been an adventure to say the least. I hate how much I had to hurt him and it's hurting me as well but you know what I keep reminding myself? God will heal us both and if it is His plan for us to be together then by God's grace we will be. But right now I would like to see where God is taking me. Sure I get lonely here in my room by myself. I miss him, I want to talk to him, I think about all of the things we did together. But I think a lot of what I am missing is just having someone there. Not that I don't love Jordan...I do. I just think...I need time to figure out what I want. And with that comes seeing what other men have to offer. It seems like pretty early to even be thinking about that but hey...it's going to be in my head whether I want it to or not.
But once again...that's not what matters. What matters is for me to go out into the world and live the life that God has been calling me to. Which I have been doing a pretty crappy job of doing lately. I get so caught up in friends, hanging out, enjoying the weather, and I forget about helping those in need, in building relationships with the broken people around me. I think I'm so broken...well at least I have a roof over my head, food to eat during the day, and a warm bed to sleep in. I am infinitely blessed and I let it all go to waste. I get upset over not being hired again as a CAP leader, but what does that mean in the grand scheme of things? Nothing. Nothing at all. And this is something I've just come to realize in the past two sentences. I wish this was all something that I could easily wrap my head around but...as you've guessed...I can't. So I leave this blog with a lot more questions than when I started it, but I like these questions. They are questions that make me uncomfortable, and just like I told the people in my interview for a scholarship, it is the things that make you uncomfortable that cause you to grow the most. If only I remembered this in my everyday life.
I am hurting on the outside. I feel like I'm wasting away. But on the inside, God is doing something beautiful. He's healing me. He's showing me where I need to go. Where he wants ME to go. Not me and my future husband, not me and my kids, not me and my friends. Where he wants me, Jennifer, to go. And that is beautiful. So I will set my eyes on what I cannot see and I will strive for that future reward, and let the things around fade into the distance, for they are only temporary.
Photo by Valerie Allen, www.expressionsphotog.net
