So, I realize that no one reads my blog...and that's ok. It's pretty much just here for me to let out my thoughts. And right now, I have a lot of those. But I think I'll start out with a scripture that I'm falling in love with.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
The last part of that verse was something I had to memorize for church camp one summer and it has stuck with me ever since. It's so humbling, and it always reminds me that no matter what is happening here, it doesn't really matter...all that matters is what we can't see. All that matters is God. I wish that was as easy to live out as it is to say. I broke up with my boyfriend last Friday and boy has it been an adventure to say the least. I hate how much I had to hurt him and it's hurting me as well but you know what I keep reminding myself? God will heal us both and if it is His plan for us to be together then by God's grace we will be. But right now I would like to see where God is taking me. Sure I get lonely here in my room by myself. I miss him, I want to talk to him, I think about all of the things we did together. But I think a lot of what I am missing is just having someone there. Not that I don't love Jordan...I do. I just think...I need time to figure out what I want. And with that comes seeing what other men have to offer. It seems like pretty early to even be thinking about that but hey...it's going to be in my head whether I want it to or not.
But once again...that's not what matters. What matters is for me to go out into the world and live the life that God has been calling me to. Which I have been doing a pretty crappy job of doing lately. I get so caught up in friends, hanging out, enjoying the weather, and I forget about helping those in need, in building relationships with the broken people around me. I think I'm so broken...well at least I have a roof over my head, food to eat during the day, and a warm bed to sleep in. I am infinitely blessed and I let it all go to waste. I get upset over not being hired again as a CAP leader, but what does that mean in the grand scheme of things? Nothing. Nothing at all. And this is something I've just come to realize in the past two sentences. I wish this was all something that I could easily wrap my head around but...as you've guessed...I can't. So I leave this blog with a lot more questions than when I started it, but I like these questions. They are questions that make me uncomfortable, and just like I told the people in my interview for a scholarship, it is the things that make you uncomfortable that cause you to grow the most. If only I remembered this in my everyday life.
I am hurting on the outside. I feel like I'm wasting away. But on the inside, God is doing something beautiful. He's healing me. He's showing me where I need to go. Where he wants ME to go. Not me and my future husband, not me and my kids, not me and my friends. Where he wants me, Jennifer, to go. And that is beautiful. So I will set my eyes on what I cannot see and I will strive for that future reward, and let the things around fade into the distance, for they are only temporary.
Photo by Valerie Allen, www.expressionsphotog.net
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Insecurity
I struggle with insecurity issues. A lot. And I’m not talking about how I look or if I’m wearing the right kind of clothes. I mean that I struggle with insecurity about other people, whether they want to hang out with me or not. And as I wrote that I realized that I’m not supposed to do that…
I worry about whether or not my friends are hanging out with me. And if they are and I wasn’t invited, I’m immediately hurt. Not offended, but hurt that they didn’t want to spend the time with me. Especially when I’m only home for the summer, I never see them during the school year, and yet no one ever asks me to hang out. The only reason I see the people I do is because I make the effort, I ask if they want to do something. No one ever comes to me and says “Hey Jennifer, want to go do something?”. Why do I always have to be the one to ask? It’s like I find a group of people that I really like, have a great time for a while, and then they get rid of me. Like I’m some toy that was cool when it was new, but now that’s it’s kind of worn looking, they don’t want it anymore. And I don’t just have these issues when I’m home, I have them at school too. At home it’s my friends, my church, my youth group. I feel included for a while and then I’m just forgotten about, ignored. Even at school, when I joined my sorority, I was so excited to finally be an AOII, but then all of the other new members were welcomed with open arms and I was left to sit and watch them grow closer to everyone and not me. I had to fend for myself, I was told that if I wanted to be included all I had to do was ask. But no one else had to ask, so why should I be any different? Even with my parents I feel forgotten about sometime. My stepsister gets things that I don’t, she gets to go on family vacation while I get left at home, because they don’t think that I’d want to go. But do they ask? No. They just leave me here, alone. Like everyone else.
I’ve struggled with these feelings for a long time now, and there are periods of time where I’m just depressed. Saddened. I’m in a friend’s wedding and I haven’t been asked to do anything yet. She’s looked at wedding dresses and I had no idea. She was my best friend in high school. What changed?
But as I’m writing this I’m realizing that…I’m not supposed to care. It shouldn’t bother me that I’m losing some of my friends. And it’s not because I have Jordan, even though if he wasn’t there I would have lost it by now. It’s because I have someone more important than anyone that loves me. God loves me, he wants me. I shouldn’t strive for approval from my peers, my friends. I shouldn’t need their attention to get by in life. I should be perfectly content with exactly how everything plays out, because that’s what’s meant to be. And this comforts me. Even though I still miss my friends and want them to come back into my life, I’m comforted. I can talk to God and he will listen. He’s not going anywhere. When I need him, he’s there. Even if no one else listens, or calls, or reads this blog, He knows. And that’s alright by me.
I worry about whether or not my friends are hanging out with me. And if they are and I wasn’t invited, I’m immediately hurt. Not offended, but hurt that they didn’t want to spend the time with me. Especially when I’m only home for the summer, I never see them during the school year, and yet no one ever asks me to hang out. The only reason I see the people I do is because I make the effort, I ask if they want to do something. No one ever comes to me and says “Hey Jennifer, want to go do something?”. Why do I always have to be the one to ask? It’s like I find a group of people that I really like, have a great time for a while, and then they get rid of me. Like I’m some toy that was cool when it was new, but now that’s it’s kind of worn looking, they don’t want it anymore. And I don’t just have these issues when I’m home, I have them at school too. At home it’s my friends, my church, my youth group. I feel included for a while and then I’m just forgotten about, ignored. Even at school, when I joined my sorority, I was so excited to finally be an AOII, but then all of the other new members were welcomed with open arms and I was left to sit and watch them grow closer to everyone and not me. I had to fend for myself, I was told that if I wanted to be included all I had to do was ask. But no one else had to ask, so why should I be any different? Even with my parents I feel forgotten about sometime. My stepsister gets things that I don’t, she gets to go on family vacation while I get left at home, because they don’t think that I’d want to go. But do they ask? No. They just leave me here, alone. Like everyone else.
I’ve struggled with these feelings for a long time now, and there are periods of time where I’m just depressed. Saddened. I’m in a friend’s wedding and I haven’t been asked to do anything yet. She’s looked at wedding dresses and I had no idea. She was my best friend in high school. What changed?
But as I’m writing this I’m realizing that…I’m not supposed to care. It shouldn’t bother me that I’m losing some of my friends. And it’s not because I have Jordan, even though if he wasn’t there I would have lost it by now. It’s because I have someone more important than anyone that loves me. God loves me, he wants me. I shouldn’t strive for approval from my peers, my friends. I shouldn’t need their attention to get by in life. I should be perfectly content with exactly how everything plays out, because that’s what’s meant to be. And this comforts me. Even though I still miss my friends and want them to come back into my life, I’m comforted. I can talk to God and he will listen. He’s not going anywhere. When I need him, he’s there. Even if no one else listens, or calls, or reads this blog, He knows. And that’s alright by me.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I am a Christian.
I’ve found I have a problem reading the news lately. Not because anything it talks about is any worse than before, but because of how people handle things. Every important news article has people commenting on it, and a lot of the things they’re saying are not kind or respectful. For example, I read an article this morning about the plane that crashed in Alaska. What was the first thing that I saw when I went to the comments? Was it people saying they would keep the people in their thoughts and prayers? That it was a tragic accident and how sorry they were? No. It was a comment about how someone hoped Sarah Palin was on that plane.
Let me get something straight here. I do not like Sarah Palin. I still have faith that Obama can and will do something for this country, he just has to clean up the mess he was left with (and not just from Bush). I enjoyed the SNL skits making fun of Sarah Palin and Hilary Clinton. But would I ever wish death upon them? No. Would I ever wish death upon anyone? Absolutely not. But at the bottom of this article, which talks about how people might be dead, someone wishes death upon someone. Unacceptable. There are a lot of other things running around in my head right now that are upsetting me, but that’s not really what I want to talk about right now. It was, but now I feel like there’s something else I need to talk about more.
My belief on being a Christian is not that I must got to church every Sunday, and help with the youth group, and read the Bible everyday and pray before I got to sleep every night. That is part of religion. And I want nothing to do with religion. Routines and habits and rules will not get you anywhere with God. He doesn’t want you to just go through a list of things that will get you to Heaven. He wants to love you, and for you to love Him back. Christianity to me is not about doing everything right. It is about having a relationship with God, and giving your life to him. Saying “God, I trust that you will work in my life. Whatever happens is exactly what I needed.” I love God. I have a relationship with Him. Sometimes I have a hard time trusting him with things, but I work on it. But do you know what the greatest thing is that He has taught me? Love people. Love everybody. Not just your friends, not just your family, not just the people you go to church with, not just Christians. Love everybody. Some of the greatest people I have ever met are not Christians, including my Mom. Now, I will try my hardest to get my Mom to love God because I can’t imagine living my eternal life without her there by my side. Being a Christian does not automatically make you a good person, and not being a Christian does not automatically make you a bad person. My job as a believer of Christ is not to judge people, that’s God’s job. My job is to show them His love and save as many people as I can. And how am I supposed to do that? LOVE THEM. That is the only way that I know how, and the only way that I ever will treat people. I love every single one of my friends, especially the ones that don’t believe in God. If you want to be gay, be gay. If you want to believe in Islam, believe in Islam. I will love you the same. I will hate the sin, and even though I won’t like doing it, I will probably tell you at least once that I don’t agree with what you’re doing. But am I going to shun you, not talk to you anymore? No. That’s not showing you love.
Unfortunately, that unloving attitude is the side of Christianity that most non-believers see and believe. That is why Christianity has such a bad name. So I am here to tell you that I love you, no matter who or where you are, or what you do. I love you. God loves you, and he wants to have a relationship with you. I know that many Christian’s can be terribly intolerant, and I apologize for all of the hurt you have had in your life because of that. That is not what God wants for you, he wants you to be loved. To be happy. It angers me just as much, if not more, than it angers you when you see religious people being intolerant. They’re being hypocritical. That is probably the only way they no how to show their faith to others, which is terribly disappointing. I wish that all Christians were tolerant of others, but just like everything else, there will always be those who are close-minded. I’m not condemning them, speaking against them, or angry. I merely wish to tell my story, my purpose, and explain to you what my goal is. And my goal is to reach out to people, to love people. To change lives.
Let me get something straight here. I do not like Sarah Palin. I still have faith that Obama can and will do something for this country, he just has to clean up the mess he was left with (and not just from Bush). I enjoyed the SNL skits making fun of Sarah Palin and Hilary Clinton. But would I ever wish death upon them? No. Would I ever wish death upon anyone? Absolutely not. But at the bottom of this article, which talks about how people might be dead, someone wishes death upon someone. Unacceptable. There are a lot of other things running around in my head right now that are upsetting me, but that’s not really what I want to talk about right now. It was, but now I feel like there’s something else I need to talk about more.
My belief on being a Christian is not that I must got to church every Sunday, and help with the youth group, and read the Bible everyday and pray before I got to sleep every night. That is part of religion. And I want nothing to do with religion. Routines and habits and rules will not get you anywhere with God. He doesn’t want you to just go through a list of things that will get you to Heaven. He wants to love you, and for you to love Him back. Christianity to me is not about doing everything right. It is about having a relationship with God, and giving your life to him. Saying “God, I trust that you will work in my life. Whatever happens is exactly what I needed.” I love God. I have a relationship with Him. Sometimes I have a hard time trusting him with things, but I work on it. But do you know what the greatest thing is that He has taught me? Love people. Love everybody. Not just your friends, not just your family, not just the people you go to church with, not just Christians. Love everybody. Some of the greatest people I have ever met are not Christians, including my Mom. Now, I will try my hardest to get my Mom to love God because I can’t imagine living my eternal life without her there by my side. Being a Christian does not automatically make you a good person, and not being a Christian does not automatically make you a bad person. My job as a believer of Christ is not to judge people, that’s God’s job. My job is to show them His love and save as many people as I can. And how am I supposed to do that? LOVE THEM. That is the only way that I know how, and the only way that I ever will treat people. I love every single one of my friends, especially the ones that don’t believe in God. If you want to be gay, be gay. If you want to believe in Islam, believe in Islam. I will love you the same. I will hate the sin, and even though I won’t like doing it, I will probably tell you at least once that I don’t agree with what you’re doing. But am I going to shun you, not talk to you anymore? No. That’s not showing you love.
Unfortunately, that unloving attitude is the side of Christianity that most non-believers see and believe. That is why Christianity has such a bad name. So I am here to tell you that I love you, no matter who or where you are, or what you do. I love you. God loves you, and he wants to have a relationship with you. I know that many Christian’s can be terribly intolerant, and I apologize for all of the hurt you have had in your life because of that. That is not what God wants for you, he wants you to be loved. To be happy. It angers me just as much, if not more, than it angers you when you see religious people being intolerant. They’re being hypocritical. That is probably the only way they no how to show their faith to others, which is terribly disappointing. I wish that all Christians were tolerant of others, but just like everything else, there will always be those who are close-minded. I’m not condemning them, speaking against them, or angry. I merely wish to tell my story, my purpose, and explain to you what my goal is. And my goal is to reach out to people, to love people. To change lives.
Monday, August 9, 2010
We sit on front porches and swing life away...
Step Up 3 is an awesome movie. Even though…I had a problem with it being in 3D. One thing, the 3D stuff usually gives me a slight headache. And another thing, EVERY big movie these days is in 3D, which kind of takes away the magic of it. I’m not a huge fan of 3D, especially on certain movies, so when everything comes out in 3D it’s slightly annoying. And who wants to pay the higher ticket prices all the time?
So, I have jealousy issues. People who know me very well know this, and it causes a lot of problems in my life. It’s not that I’m jealous in the sense that if Jordan is talking to another girl I’ll go berserk. It’s more like if you ditch me for someone else, I’ll be really upset about it. It always seems like I’ll find this new group of people to spend my time with and I will just fall in love with them and have a great time around them. But then after a while I realize that they’re spending a lot of time with other people and not me. I get really hurt when I’m not included in things, which I know is partly my fault, but I also feel like people let me down a lot. I finally feel like I’m really important to them and that we could become really close and then they just…disappear. I’ve been having a lot of problems with jealousy this summer and I’m not a big fan. I feel like everyone that was once important in my life is suddenly walking out on me and moving on to someone more important than me. I become slightly angry at them, but mostly I’m just mad at myself because I don’t know what I do that makes everyone leave. The only person I can’t complain about is Jordan, he’s stuck with me through it all, and he understands how I’m feeling. If only it was an easy task to tell people how you feel…I hate hurting people’s feelings.
On a different note, it’s my last week of work! I’m so excited to be done, so I’ll probably be counting down the hours until Friday at 3:00. Then I’ve got one week off at home to get all my stuff packed up and it’s off to Cedar Rapids! I’m really excited to get back to school and see everyone, and this time Jordan will be coming with me! Hopefully we’ll find a church we like right away so we don’t miss out on that for long, and we’ll be able to explore everything the city has to offer young adults like us (meaning lots of trips out to Palisades-Kepler Park). I have a single too, so I don’t have to worry about roommate issues or keeping my things on my side of the room. I have it all to myself! I’m excited to get back and see my AOII sisters too, life just doesn’t seem the same without all of their…excitement. Recruitment is going to come up really fast and I can’t wait to meet all of our new members! Just everything about school is exciting to me now! Yeeeee!
I think I’ll leave it at that for now…maybe I’ll post another update tomorrow or something. It’ll be a post more on my thoughts than just what’s going on in my life, I know these posts probably aren’t terribly exciting.
So, I have jealousy issues. People who know me very well know this, and it causes a lot of problems in my life. It’s not that I’m jealous in the sense that if Jordan is talking to another girl I’ll go berserk. It’s more like if you ditch me for someone else, I’ll be really upset about it. It always seems like I’ll find this new group of people to spend my time with and I will just fall in love with them and have a great time around them. But then after a while I realize that they’re spending a lot of time with other people and not me. I get really hurt when I’m not included in things, which I know is partly my fault, but I also feel like people let me down a lot. I finally feel like I’m really important to them and that we could become really close and then they just…disappear. I’ve been having a lot of problems with jealousy this summer and I’m not a big fan. I feel like everyone that was once important in my life is suddenly walking out on me and moving on to someone more important than me. I become slightly angry at them, but mostly I’m just mad at myself because I don’t know what I do that makes everyone leave. The only person I can’t complain about is Jordan, he’s stuck with me through it all, and he understands how I’m feeling. If only it was an easy task to tell people how you feel…I hate hurting people’s feelings.
On a different note, it’s my last week of work! I’m so excited to be done, so I’ll probably be counting down the hours until Friday at 3:00. Then I’ve got one week off at home to get all my stuff packed up and it’s off to Cedar Rapids! I’m really excited to get back to school and see everyone, and this time Jordan will be coming with me! Hopefully we’ll find a church we like right away so we don’t miss out on that for long, and we’ll be able to explore everything the city has to offer young adults like us (meaning lots of trips out to Palisades-Kepler Park). I have a single too, so I don’t have to worry about roommate issues or keeping my things on my side of the room. I have it all to myself! I’m excited to get back and see my AOII sisters too, life just doesn’t seem the same without all of their…excitement. Recruitment is going to come up really fast and I can’t wait to meet all of our new members! Just everything about school is exciting to me now! Yeeeee!
I think I’ll leave it at that for now…maybe I’ll post another update tomorrow or something. It’ll be a post more on my thoughts than just what’s going on in my life, I know these posts probably aren’t terribly exciting.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Worship
I hate it when my parents argue. Because no matter what, because I’m the only thing common to both of them, I always get caught in the middle. I get the cold shoulder. I hear everything that’s wrong with the other parent. I get stressed out. Cry. I wish I didn’t have to be in the middle all the time, it sucks.
On a happier note, youth group was great last night. I love getting to go help out and see all of the kids. I usually work in the kitchen with Jordan, taking food orders, and I love doing it. But my favorite part definitely has to be worship. It’s so intimate and laid back that I feel I can worship freely. Which is how it should always be. Sometimes in church I feel like if I put my hands up and worship I’m going to be looked at funny, because not a lot of people in church put their hands up and worship God. It’s such a freeing experience though that lately I have just stopped caring what they’re going to think, which is how it should have been in the first place anyway. I was too self-conscious and cared too much about what people would think of me instead of just opening my heart and worshipping God. So worship is definitely my favorite part of going to church, I just feel like I’m that much closer to Him. I’m giving him his own personal concert. The only problem is that it usually takes me a while to get into worship mode, and it’s usually dependent upon the song that we’re singing, which isn’t how it should be. Even if it’s a song I’ve never sang before, it’s not the words that are important but instead it is the emotion, what you’re feeling at that point. And you shouldn’t have to have a certain song to make you feel close to God or emotional. You should be able to open up that connection between yourself and Him at whatever point you decide to. I’m still struggling with that but I’m slowly getting better. I feel His presence around me more often now, and it’s a great feeling. Like right now, while I’m writing this and am still upset about my parents, I feel his arms around me, wrapping me in love and letting me know that it will all be ok. And I believe it, I’m calm once again. Thank you God for the zillionth time you’ve calmed me down.
Oh no, you never let go through the calm and through the storm. Oh no, you never let go, in every high and every low. Oh no, you never let go, Lord you never let go of me.
And as a closing remark, you should go buy a Blizzard at DQ today! For every Blizzard that’s purchased today they’ll donate $1 to the Children’s Miracle Network. I don’t know exactly how much they donated last year but I feel like it was $81 million or something like that. I think this is a great thing to do because not only are you helping someone who’s sick, but you’re helping a sick child. And that’s a great thing to do, and something I hope to do in my future. Perhaps becoming a pediatrician is what I want to do with my life. Who knows, I have a while to decide.
On a happier note, youth group was great last night. I love getting to go help out and see all of the kids. I usually work in the kitchen with Jordan, taking food orders, and I love doing it. But my favorite part definitely has to be worship. It’s so intimate and laid back that I feel I can worship freely. Which is how it should always be. Sometimes in church I feel like if I put my hands up and worship I’m going to be looked at funny, because not a lot of people in church put their hands up and worship God. It’s such a freeing experience though that lately I have just stopped caring what they’re going to think, which is how it should have been in the first place anyway. I was too self-conscious and cared too much about what people would think of me instead of just opening my heart and worshipping God. So worship is definitely my favorite part of going to church, I just feel like I’m that much closer to Him. I’m giving him his own personal concert. The only problem is that it usually takes me a while to get into worship mode, and it’s usually dependent upon the song that we’re singing, which isn’t how it should be. Even if it’s a song I’ve never sang before, it’s not the words that are important but instead it is the emotion, what you’re feeling at that point. And you shouldn’t have to have a certain song to make you feel close to God or emotional. You should be able to open up that connection between yourself and Him at whatever point you decide to. I’m still struggling with that but I’m slowly getting better. I feel His presence around me more often now, and it’s a great feeling. Like right now, while I’m writing this and am still upset about my parents, I feel his arms around me, wrapping me in love and letting me know that it will all be ok. And I believe it, I’m calm once again. Thank you God for the zillionth time you’ve calmed me down.
Oh no, you never let go through the calm and through the storm. Oh no, you never let go, in every high and every low. Oh no, you never let go, Lord you never let go of me.
And as a closing remark, you should go buy a Blizzard at DQ today! For every Blizzard that’s purchased today they’ll donate $1 to the Children’s Miracle Network. I don’t know exactly how much they donated last year but I feel like it was $81 million or something like that. I think this is a great thing to do because not only are you helping someone who’s sick, but you’re helping a sick child. And that’s a great thing to do, and something I hope to do in my future. Perhaps becoming a pediatrician is what I want to do with my life. Who knows, I have a while to decide.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Ups and Downs
Well once again it’s been a while since I’ve updated my blog, but that doesn’t seem like too much of a big deal (I don’t think people ever really read this, which is ok). Life lately has been…life. It’s had its ups, and it’s had its downs. Which I suppose since I don’t have much else to talk about right now, I’ll just talk about those.
Ups:
1. Jordan and I have been trying to go on more “dates” together lately since it’s been a while and I’m having a blast. We’re going to Incredible Pizza with two of our friends this weekend and I couldn’t be more excited! I’ve heard it’s wonderful, and it shall be wonderful company. Last weekend we went up to Davenport, mainly because I needed to get my computer fixed, but it was definitely a date. We went to the Mad Potter, which is a place where you can paint your own pottery and I had a blast. I had done something like that when I was younger and loved it. I’m excited to see what our box ends up looking like.
2. My birthday was about a week and half ago and it passed without too much fuss, which at this point is ok with me. I went to Adventureland with Jordan and some friends which was really fun. I hadn’t seen any of them for a long time so it was nice to catch up, but it was also upsetting because I’m pretty sure I won’t see them again before I go back to school. No one asks me to hang out much anymore, so Jordan and I pretty much do our own thing.
3. I got my first dozen roses. They were very pretty and are currently hanging in my room to dry so I can keep them.
4. Jordan is going to school in Cedar Rapids this fall so I won’t have to miss him anymore! I could not be more excited, I want move in day to be here right now.
Downs:
1. I need a cosigner for my loan. My mom doesn’t want to do it again and my dad got denied. But who can I have sign my loan? Who knows…but I need it to get signed. I’ll trust that God will make it happen one way or another.
2. I don’t see my friends much. At all. Which is very sad.
One thing I’ve been struggling with lately is giving God control of my life. That’s hard for me because I’m very used to being independent and getting things done on my own. I know that if I have a problem I’ll worry about it, but eventually I’ll do something about it. But I’ve realized lately that isn’t what God wants. He wants me to lay everything down at His feet and let Him take care of everything. At times I doubt that He will do it and don’t trust in Him, but he always ends up saving the day anyway, even though I’m not sure I deserve it because I have no faith in him sometimes. But other times I do, and it’s beautiful to see what he does in my life. Everything comes together, it all works out. And he has blessed me with so much already, even when I wasn’t a believer, that I really have no reason NOT to trust Him. Another thing I’ve discovered about myself lately is that I finally have a heart for something. There is something that I want to do with my life, and nothing will stop me from (eventually) reaching my goal. Of course I feel the same way about becoming a doctor, but that course is pretty much set in stone, there’s no going back now. But this is different. I have discovered that I have a heart for missions trips. Hearing what the missionaries from my church are doing and how God is changing not only their lives, but also using them to change other lives is beautiful. I want to be that person. I want to go out in the world and save somebody. Literally save someone’s life. How amazing would that be? That is our job here on Earth, to help other people know God, and here I am not doing anything. I’m becoming fat with God’s love. I’m soaking it all up but I’m not letting anything out. I need to go exercise with my love. I need to help someone else feel loved. Because I know what it feels like not to have God there, and I know what it feels like when He is. And no one needs to feel what I felt when God wasn’t there. I started to exercise His love by being a counselor at kid’s camp, which I will use a whole other blog to describe one day, but for now I’ll just say I had a blast. And I grew, so much. Going to kid’s camp didn’t satiate my hunger for doing something for God, it only made it that much stronger. I’m ready to go do something. I ready to be His hands and feet. I’m ready God, just point me in the right direction.
Phew, it feels good to get all of that out there. But I’ll stop now because otherwise I’ll just keep going and going and going and…you get the point. Until next time!
Ups:
1. Jordan and I have been trying to go on more “dates” together lately since it’s been a while and I’m having a blast. We’re going to Incredible Pizza with two of our friends this weekend and I couldn’t be more excited! I’ve heard it’s wonderful, and it shall be wonderful company. Last weekend we went up to Davenport, mainly because I needed to get my computer fixed, but it was definitely a date. We went to the Mad Potter, which is a place where you can paint your own pottery and I had a blast. I had done something like that when I was younger and loved it. I’m excited to see what our box ends up looking like.
2. My birthday was about a week and half ago and it passed without too much fuss, which at this point is ok with me. I went to Adventureland with Jordan and some friends which was really fun. I hadn’t seen any of them for a long time so it was nice to catch up, but it was also upsetting because I’m pretty sure I won’t see them again before I go back to school. No one asks me to hang out much anymore, so Jordan and I pretty much do our own thing.
3. I got my first dozen roses. They were very pretty and are currently hanging in my room to dry so I can keep them.
4. Jordan is going to school in Cedar Rapids this fall so I won’t have to miss him anymore! I could not be more excited, I want move in day to be here right now.
Downs:
1. I need a cosigner for my loan. My mom doesn’t want to do it again and my dad got denied. But who can I have sign my loan? Who knows…but I need it to get signed. I’ll trust that God will make it happen one way or another.
2. I don’t see my friends much. At all. Which is very sad.
One thing I’ve been struggling with lately is giving God control of my life. That’s hard for me because I’m very used to being independent and getting things done on my own. I know that if I have a problem I’ll worry about it, but eventually I’ll do something about it. But I’ve realized lately that isn’t what God wants. He wants me to lay everything down at His feet and let Him take care of everything. At times I doubt that He will do it and don’t trust in Him, but he always ends up saving the day anyway, even though I’m not sure I deserve it because I have no faith in him sometimes. But other times I do, and it’s beautiful to see what he does in my life. Everything comes together, it all works out. And he has blessed me with so much already, even when I wasn’t a believer, that I really have no reason NOT to trust Him. Another thing I’ve discovered about myself lately is that I finally have a heart for something. There is something that I want to do with my life, and nothing will stop me from (eventually) reaching my goal. Of course I feel the same way about becoming a doctor, but that course is pretty much set in stone, there’s no going back now. But this is different. I have discovered that I have a heart for missions trips. Hearing what the missionaries from my church are doing and how God is changing not only their lives, but also using them to change other lives is beautiful. I want to be that person. I want to go out in the world and save somebody. Literally save someone’s life. How amazing would that be? That is our job here on Earth, to help other people know God, and here I am not doing anything. I’m becoming fat with God’s love. I’m soaking it all up but I’m not letting anything out. I need to go exercise with my love. I need to help someone else feel loved. Because I know what it feels like not to have God there, and I know what it feels like when He is. And no one needs to feel what I felt when God wasn’t there. I started to exercise His love by being a counselor at kid’s camp, which I will use a whole other blog to describe one day, but for now I’ll just say I had a blast. And I grew, so much. Going to kid’s camp didn’t satiate my hunger for doing something for God, it only made it that much stronger. I’m ready to go do something. I ready to be His hands and feet. I’m ready God, just point me in the right direction.
Phew, it feels good to get all of that out there. But I’ll stop now because otherwise I’ll just keep going and going and going and…you get the point. Until next time!
Monday, November 9, 2009
Life Update
Health: Poor
I skipped all classes today and slept from the time I got back on campus until 3. :) I feel much better. It's amazing the wonders sleep can do for you. Even though everyone's still convinced I have H1N1 and should be isolated. Meh. I'm fine, honest. I have stuff to get done.
Morality: Not too bad I suppose
I miss Jordan but that's kind of a constant thing anymore, I guess I can't really fix it. Unless I just dropped out and moved home, which gets more and more tempting every time I have to come back to Coe. But alas, I have an education to complete.
Love life: Fantastic
I couldn't have asked for a better man. He's everything I could have ever wanted. When I'm sick, he's there taking care of me and making sure everything is ok, at the risk of him getting exactly what I have (which usually happens). When I'm upset, he's always there to talk to, and tells me exactly what I need to hear. And he makes me laugh, so much. Sometimes I wonder what exactly is going on in his head.
Grades/School life: Meh.
I'm tired of school. I'm tired of homework, and how monotonous my days are. I wish I had the kind of major where I could watch movies every night and stay up late and not have to get anything done. But because I want to be a doctor, I have no free time. It's either homework, volunteering, or group meetings. And I'm not complaining, I really want to be a doctor and realize that this comes with it, I just wish I had time to truly relax (and being sick doesn't count). But I'm working for something that I really want, I just wish I could get to the good part now.
Everything else: Not too bad.
My friends are great, there's not too much drama in my life (and none of it is mine!). The holiday season is here and I CANNOT wait, I love the whole succession of Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas. :) I just want it to be Thanksgiving right now.
I skipped all classes today and slept from the time I got back on campus until 3. :) I feel much better. It's amazing the wonders sleep can do for you. Even though everyone's still convinced I have H1N1 and should be isolated. Meh. I'm fine, honest. I have stuff to get done.
Morality: Not too bad I suppose
I miss Jordan but that's kind of a constant thing anymore, I guess I can't really fix it. Unless I just dropped out and moved home, which gets more and more tempting every time I have to come back to Coe. But alas, I have an education to complete.
Love life: Fantastic
I couldn't have asked for a better man. He's everything I could have ever wanted. When I'm sick, he's there taking care of me and making sure everything is ok, at the risk of him getting exactly what I have (which usually happens). When I'm upset, he's always there to talk to, and tells me exactly what I need to hear. And he makes me laugh, so much. Sometimes I wonder what exactly is going on in his head.
Grades/School life: Meh.
I'm tired of school. I'm tired of homework, and how monotonous my days are. I wish I had the kind of major where I could watch movies every night and stay up late and not have to get anything done. But because I want to be a doctor, I have no free time. It's either homework, volunteering, or group meetings. And I'm not complaining, I really want to be a doctor and realize that this comes with it, I just wish I had time to truly relax (and being sick doesn't count). But I'm working for something that I really want, I just wish I could get to the good part now.
Everything else: Not too bad.
My friends are great, there's not too much drama in my life (and none of it is mine!). The holiday season is here and I CANNOT wait, I love the whole succession of Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas. :) I just want it to be Thanksgiving right now.
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