Worship

I hate it when my parents argue. Because no matter what, because I’m the only thing common to both of them, I always get caught in the middle. I get the cold shoulder. I hear everything that’s wrong with the other parent. I get stressed out. Cry. I wish I didn’t have to be in the middle all the time, it sucks.

On a happier note, youth group was great last night. I love getting to go help out and see all of the kids. I usually work in the kitchen with Jordan, taking food orders, and I love doing it. But my favorite part definitely has to be worship. It’s so intimate and laid back that I feel I can worship freely. Which is how it should always be. Sometimes in church I feel like if I put my hands up and worship I’m going to be looked at funny, because not a lot of people in church put their hands up and worship God. It’s such a freeing experience though that lately I have just stopped caring what they’re going to think, which is how it should have been in the first place anyway. I was too self-conscious and cared too much about what people would think of me instead of just opening my heart and worshipping God. So worship is definitely my favorite part of going to church, I just feel like I’m that much closer to Him. I’m giving him his own personal concert. The only problem is that it usually takes me a while to get into worship mode, and it’s usually dependent upon the song that we’re singing, which isn’t how it should be. Even if it’s a song I’ve never sang before, it’s not the words that are important but instead it is the emotion, what you’re feeling at that point. And you shouldn’t have to have a certain song to make you feel close to God or emotional. You should be able to open up that connection between yourself and Him at whatever point you decide to. I’m still struggling with that but I’m slowly getting better. I feel His presence around me more often now, and it’s a great feeling. Like right now, while I’m writing this and am still upset about my parents, I feel his arms around me, wrapping me in love and letting me know that it will all be ok. And I believe it, I’m calm once again. Thank you God for the zillionth time you’ve calmed me down.

Oh no, you never let go through the calm and through the storm. Oh no, you never let go, in every high and every low. Oh no, you never let go, Lord you never let go of me.

And as a closing remark, you should go buy a Blizzard at DQ today! For every Blizzard that’s purchased today they’ll donate $1 to the Children’s Miracle Network. I don’t know exactly how much they donated last year but I feel like it was $81 million or something like that. I think this is a great thing to do because not only are you helping someone who’s sick, but you’re helping a sick child. And that’s a great thing to do, and something I hope to do in my future. Perhaps becoming a pediatrician is what I want to do with my life. Who knows, I have a while to decide.

Ups and Downs

Well once again it’s been a while since I’ve updated my blog, but that doesn’t seem like too much of a big deal (I don’t think people ever really read this, which is ok). Life lately has been…life. It’s had its ups, and it’s had its downs. Which I suppose since I don’t have much else to talk about right now, I’ll just talk about those.

Ups:

1. Jordan and I have been trying to go on more “dates” together lately since it’s been a while and I’m having a blast. We’re going to Incredible Pizza with two of our friends this weekend and I couldn’t be more excited! I’ve heard it’s wonderful, and it shall be wonderful company. Last weekend we went up to Davenport, mainly because I needed to get my computer fixed, but it was definitely a date. We went to the Mad Potter, which is a place where you can paint your own pottery and I had a blast. I had done something like that when I was younger and loved it. I’m excited to see what our box ends up looking like.
2. My birthday was about a week and half ago and it passed without too much fuss, which at this point is ok with me. I went to Adventureland with Jordan and some friends which was really fun. I hadn’t seen any of them for a long time so it was nice to catch up, but it was also upsetting because I’m pretty sure I won’t see them again before I go back to school. No one asks me to hang out much anymore, so Jordan and I pretty much do our own thing.
3. I got my first dozen roses. They were very pretty and are currently hanging in my room to dry so I can keep them.
4. Jordan is going to school in Cedar Rapids this fall so I won’t have to miss him anymore! I could not be more excited, I want move in day to be here right now.

Downs:

1. I need a cosigner for my loan. My mom doesn’t want to do it again and my dad got denied. But who can I have sign my loan? Who knows…but I need it to get signed. I’ll trust that God will make it happen one way or another.
2. I don’t see my friends much. At all. Which is very sad.

One thing I’ve been struggling with lately is giving God control of my life. That’s hard for me because I’m very used to being independent and getting things done on my own. I know that if I have a problem I’ll worry about it, but eventually I’ll do something about it. But I’ve realized lately that isn’t what God wants. He wants me to lay everything down at His feet and let Him take care of everything. At times I doubt that He will do it and don’t trust in Him, but he always ends up saving the day anyway, even though I’m not sure I deserve it because I have no faith in him sometimes. But other times I do, and it’s beautiful to see what he does in my life. Everything comes together, it all works out. And he has blessed me with so much already, even when I wasn’t a believer, that I really have no reason NOT to trust Him. Another thing I’ve discovered about myself lately is that I finally have a heart for something. There is something that I want to do with my life, and nothing will stop me from (eventually) reaching my goal. Of course I feel the same way about becoming a doctor, but that course is pretty much set in stone, there’s no going back now. But this is different. I have discovered that I have a heart for missions trips. Hearing what the missionaries from my church are doing and how God is changing not only their lives, but also using them to change other lives is beautiful. I want to be that person. I want to go out in the world and save somebody. Literally save someone’s life. How amazing would that be? That is our job here on Earth, to help other people know God, and here I am not doing anything. I’m becoming fat with God’s love. I’m soaking it all up but I’m not letting anything out. I need to go exercise with my love. I need to help someone else feel loved. Because I know what it feels like not to have God there, and I know what it feels like when He is. And no one needs to feel what I felt when God wasn’t there. I started to exercise His love by being a counselor at kid’s camp, which I will use a whole other blog to describe one day, but for now I’ll just say I had a blast. And I grew, so much. Going to kid’s camp didn’t satiate my hunger for doing something for God, it only made it that much stronger. I’m ready to go do something. I ready to be His hands and feet. I’m ready God, just point me in the right direction.

Phew, it feels good to get all of that out there. But I’ll stop now because otherwise I’ll just keep going and going and going and…you get the point. Until next time!

Life Update

Health: Poor
I skipped all classes today and slept from the time I got back on campus until 3. :) I feel much better. It's amazing the wonders sleep can do for you. Even though everyone's still convinced I have H1N1 and should be isolated. Meh. I'm fine, honest. I have stuff to get done.

Morality: Not too bad I suppose
I miss Jordan but that's kind of a constant thing anymore, I guess I can't really fix it. Unless I just dropped out and moved home, which gets more and more tempting every time I have to come back to Coe. But alas, I have an education to complete.

Love life: Fantastic
I couldn't have asked for a better man. He's everything I could have ever wanted. When I'm sick, he's there taking care of me and making sure everything is ok, at the risk of him getting exactly what I have (which usually happens). When I'm upset, he's always there to talk to, and tells me exactly what I need to hear. And he makes me laugh, so much. Sometimes I wonder what exactly is going on in his head.

Grades/School life: Meh.
I'm tired of school. I'm tired of homework, and how monotonous my days are. I wish I had the kind of major where I could watch movies every night and stay up late and not have to get anything done. But because I want to be a doctor, I have no free time. It's either homework, volunteering, or group meetings. And I'm not complaining, I really want to be a doctor and realize that this comes with it, I just wish I had time to truly relax (and being sick doesn't count). But I'm working for something that I really want, I just wish I could get to the good part now.

Everything else: Not too bad.
My friends are great, there's not too much drama in my life (and none of it is mine!). The holiday season is here and I CANNOT wait, I love the whole succession of Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas. :) I just want it to be Thanksgiving right now.

I Quit.

I'm tired of having to say goodbye to Jordan.
I don't know what I'm doing this summer, but I know I can't afford to do what I want to.
This means I will probably be stuck doing the job I have the past two summers, which I hate.
I want to complete the honors program here for my Med School application but I hate it.
I'm not learning anything in my honors class.
I got a C on a paper for honors that I thought deserved bettter.
My professor is old.
I'm tired of science. I'm not going to school to be a scientist, I'm going to school to be a doctor. Please teach me something about being a doctor.
I miss my boyfriend.

I quit.

On this rainy, rainy day...

I decided that I should probably update my blog, since it's been quite a while (whoops). Life has been waaaaaaaay busy lately, and I feel like I have had no down time. I went to a biology conference for two days, celebrated with the rest of the campus for Homecoming (which was quite amazing, I must say. And the best part was that Jordan got to come this year!), and headed north to Wisconsin over fall break. And I have even more exciting things planned for the next few weeks.

So every fall, Coe's Concert Choir puts on a Men's Honor Choir for high school boys from all around the area. It's going to be November 2nd this year, and as I've been thinking about it, I keep getting more and more excited. First of all, Jordan gets to come this year, and he even gets to come stay with me Sunday night before the concert because I'll be home that weekend for him to ride back up. But what has me even more excited for it is that it will be almost one year since Tyler's brain surgery. About a year ago my friend Tyler was diagnosed with brain cancer, and the day he called me and told me was one of the saddest days of my life. I was terrified for him, even though he seemed to be perfectly calm about it. I later realized that his surgery was scheduled for the same day as our honor choir, which he was supposed to be attending. So when November 3rd rolled around last year I was excited to see the boys from my high school, but I kept thinking about Tyler and how scared I was for him. Waiting to find out how the surgery had gone was so hard, and it was a huge relief when Mrs. Reuter told us all that he would be ok. He might suffer hearing loss and temporary paralysis in his face, but he was going to be ok. I could have cried on the spot...

I went and visited Tyler about a week after his surgery and I was shocked by how fast he was recovering. He could already walk up and down the hallway, and he even recognized me when I came in and gave me a smile. I stayed for a while and as I was leaving he said to me "Jen I know I'm healing a lot faster than they ever said I would but...it's not fast enough for me. I need to try harder." I was so proud of him, and I almost cried when he told me later that he'd put the Coe College bear that I'd gotten him right by the tv so he could almost see it. Tyler was released from the hospital soon after that, and it wasn't long before he was back and school and ready to go.

So as Tyler's one year anniversary comes around, there are times where I stop and simply thank God for letting such a beautiful human being survive cancer, and to go through it with flying colors at that. It slips my mind most days that I talk to him that he ever had cancer, because he's back to being the same old Tyler. God is so great to have given him another chance at life, and if he can do something like that, there is no limit to the great things God can do. So even on this dreary day, I know that there is always hope for something better, as long as you believe.

You are a God who has all things....

and still you want me? Amazing.

12 days...

and counting until I go back to Coe. I don't know how I feel about this...I have had such a good summer, and leaving Jordan again is probably going to be the hardest thing I've ever done because we're so much closer, and I have so many good memories with him. But I'm ready to get back up to Coe, see all of the friends I made last year again, and hopefully make some new ones. I got the list of people in my CAP group yesterday, added most of them on Facebook, and I'm working on the second letter that I have to send out to them. I'm really excited to meet them all and see what they're all about, and to hopefully have some sort of impact on their lives like my CAP leader had. But basically, all I want is for them to have fun because that's what orientation week is about, so hopefully they get that. And hopefully they don't mind having a physical activity challenged leader....I mean, I love doing the games but honest? I'm not very good at many of them. But I think that's ok. I'll draw them in with my wit and charm....right. And I am way NOT ready for classes to start since I have more than a full class load, but I'm waiting to see what new things I can learn. And I am OH SO excited to read A Natural History of Ferns...it's even illustrated. Yay botany...wait. And chemistry...in college. Oh boy...but I can't start complaining now, I just have to wait and see what's coming.

On a different note, I got Super Smash Brothers for my N64 in the mail the other day and I LOVE it. Now I just need two more controllers so four people can play...yay! And silly me...I thought I was ordering Tetris for my N64 too and I get the package in the mail and think "Hey, this seems really small..." and I open it. Silly me, I ordered Tetris for a Gameboy...oh well, I can still play in on my Gameboy color.

Rock the River this weekend!!!!