Insecurity

I struggle with insecurity issues. A lot. And I’m not talking about how I look or if I’m wearing the right kind of clothes. I mean that I struggle with insecurity about other people, whether they want to hang out with me or not. And as I wrote that I realized that I’m not supposed to do that…

I worry about whether or not my friends are hanging out with me. And if they are and I wasn’t invited, I’m immediately hurt. Not offended, but hurt that they didn’t want to spend the time with me. Especially when I’m only home for the summer, I never see them during the school year, and yet no one ever asks me to hang out. The only reason I see the people I do is because I make the effort, I ask if they want to do something. No one ever comes to me and says “Hey Jennifer, want to go do something?”. Why do I always have to be the one to ask? It’s like I find a group of people that I really like, have a great time for a while, and then they get rid of me. Like I’m some toy that was cool when it was new, but now that’s it’s kind of worn looking, they don’t want it anymore. And I don’t just have these issues when I’m home, I have them at school too. At home it’s my friends, my church, my youth group. I feel included for a while and then I’m just forgotten about, ignored. Even at school, when I joined my sorority, I was so excited to finally be an AOII, but then all of the other new members were welcomed with open arms and I was left to sit and watch them grow closer to everyone and not me. I had to fend for myself, I was told that if I wanted to be included all I had to do was ask. But no one else had to ask, so why should I be any different? Even with my parents I feel forgotten about sometime. My stepsister gets things that I don’t, she gets to go on family vacation while I get left at home, because they don’t think that I’d want to go. But do they ask? No. They just leave me here, alone. Like everyone else.

I’ve struggled with these feelings for a long time now, and there are periods of time where I’m just depressed. Saddened. I’m in a friend’s wedding and I haven’t been asked to do anything yet. She’s looked at wedding dresses and I had no idea. She was my best friend in high school. What changed?

But as I’m writing this I’m realizing that…I’m not supposed to care. It shouldn’t bother me that I’m losing some of my friends. And it’s not because I have Jordan, even though if he wasn’t there I would have lost it by now. It’s because I have someone more important than anyone that loves me. God loves me, he wants me. I shouldn’t strive for approval from my peers, my friends. I shouldn’t need their attention to get by in life. I should be perfectly content with exactly how everything plays out, because that’s what’s meant to be. And this comforts me. Even though I still miss my friends and want them to come back into my life, I’m comforted. I can talk to God and he will listen. He’s not going anywhere. When I need him, he’s there. Even if no one else listens, or calls, or reads this blog, He knows. And that’s alright by me.